Love

Nuances of the Heart

On valentine’s day, a newly married young man enters his home with a large bouquet of roses and a table booked at the finest restaurant in town. The moment he enters his room he catches his wife cheating on him, his excitement to make a grand gesture immediately turns into anger. “I loved you so much! Is this what I get in return?” he roared, stomping the roses under his feet.

Notice how quickly ‘I love you’ changed to ‘I loved you.’ When we talk about love, we often put unconditional love on a pedestal. This notion could not be farther from the truth because, the moment a condition is attached, love dies, it is the only form of love. Love does not require any sort of payment, nor does it change in accordance to the situation. In no way am I trying to say that we should stay in a toxic relationship or in a relationship where we are not valued.

That said, here are some tips to help you navigate relationships and the complex emotion of love. When I talk about love and relationships, I don’t just mean romantic ones.  

·       Don’t be a phantom:

How often do we see people asking their friends for the perfect text to send their crush, using flattery to be in someone’s good books or being pseudo polite all the time? Trust is the basis of a relationship, using multiple masks or pretending to be someone else, especially at the start, leads to a relationship being built on a lie. This turns people bitter in the relationships, because as you get closer and start to get more comfortable you either start unmasking or the ‘perfect’ you leak some of your flaws, making both parties realize that they were friends with or dating a phantom, someone you created to fit in or impress them.

·       Holding out your hand:

“I want love to be expressed through words of affirmation and through encouragement. That’s my need. Its not like he is not supportive, he is, but this is what I need, I want, and I don’t get it,” my friend sighed.

 “Is there something he needs or wants?”

“I know what he wants, but because I don’t get what I need, so, I don’t give him what he wants.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize we were talking about a business deal. I thought we were talking about your boyfriend” I smiled.

 We often make relationships about ourselves, ‘my needs, my feelings, my time, my heart.’ Relationships should be more about giving, not taking. I am not saying that your needs, wants or feelings don’t or should not matter, they do and should. But if you actually love someone, your first should not be what can I get, it should be what can I give. Give comfort, give emotional support, give Love! When you start giving your relationships automatically starts improving. The notion that relationships are about ‘me’ instead of ‘us’ is so ingrained in us that we let go of years of friendship, ‘test’ people on dates and drop anyone who doesn’t meet the ‘right’ requirements.

·       Acceptance:

This one has two parts. The first is accepting the person you are in a relationship, the whole person, all their icks, flaws and annoying habits.

The second part is accepting that no one can fill in a void within you. No matter how many friends you have, how many people you date or how popular you are. If you feel an emptiness or are trying to complete yourself through other people, that will never happen. You might be able to numb that nagging feeling temporarily, this is why people often jump from one relationship to another, but the only person that can fill the void is you. The first person you should love is You, the day you love yourself, love for others will flow naturally.

I will leave you with my favourite poem written by Elizabeth Barret Browning. The beauty of her expression will surely strum the strings of your heart. 

‘If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say,
“I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day”—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love’s sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.’