Hesitance
In vain lives the one who fears what he wants
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Mumbling something, I broke eye contact with myself, observing the rest of my body. I was standing with my back against the wall, hands behind my back and my leg propped up. I noticed my jaw clenching and unclenching periodically. I was familiar with the emotion that filled me at the moment, it was fear. Not the kind of fear which makes me want to flee the moment I see a dog, this was subtler, rooted deeper, the kind which often goes unacknowledged or unnoticed, but has profound effects on one’s life. I had learned to call it hesitance, it sounded nicer, helped me avoid feeling like a coward. I looked into my eyes once again, “I don’t care how you feel, you don’t have an option!” I told myself through gritted teeth, before turning to leave.
When someone is drowning, they flap around helplessly, which worsens the situation. That’s how we live life, we flap around helplessly as we drown in our fears, the best thing to do in both situations is to calm down. No way am I trying to say fear is bad, not only does it help us avoid dangerous things (dogs! Just kidding), but it also makes us pause to evaluate our actions. The problem is that we let it hold us back all the time, instead of the few times we need to be reigned in. We hesitate to say what’s on our mind, we hesitate to go against the norm, we hesitate to be honest, heck we are hesitant even to hesitate. What’s funnier is that we are far more hesitant to do things that actually matter to us and what we want, and put our fears aside or let other fears take over when we do things out of temptation or peer pressure.
Think of the last time you thought “Umm…I don’t know.” That is the fear of unknown talking, we might not be the best judges of what we should do, but letting fears and temptation control our actions and decisions is what cowards and fools do. Now, we all might be both cowards and fools in many ways, and that’s alright, but if you want to progress towards what you want you need to start making subtle changes and ignoring the fear.
The best part about this process is that doing things despite fear/hesitance makes you feel a lot more alive, time slows down and you get to experience the ‘roller coaster high’ a lot more often, and your life changes for the good at a pace you never dreamt of.
Next time you encounter fear, treat it like an old friend, smile, give it a hug and then keep walking. Your actions and choices will often give you undesired results, but instead of playing it safe have faith in Him. Walk into every choice with the confidence of a winner and the courage of a warrior, He won’t let you down He never does.
- Sartha
