Lost

The more you get to know yourself, the easier it gets to love yourself, but harder to like yourself.

I closed the book I was reading, in this moment I was more interested in the stories around me, stories I would never know, but get a glimpse of. I see a couple arguing softly, their coffees untouched, eyes bloodshot and teary, they looked at each other as if they didn’t recognize the person sitting across from them. Ironically, right next to them I see a couple holding hands, the girl is talking animatedly, while the guy with his chin rested on the other hand is listening attentively with a smile on his face. My attention turns to the kids jumping up and down telling their parents stories while they impatiently wait for their hot-chocolates. Finally, I turn within ready to lift the veils off the story, different versions of which have played in my mind for several days now.

I take a deep breath as the nausea starts to set in, I try to relax to let the emotions flow. Despite the sickness, I smile slightly at how vulnerable we all are to basic human nature. I glance around once more, “We all are so lost and most of us don’t even realize it. We live life as if we are drowning, we flap around helplessly grabbing onto the first thing (beliefs, fears, conditioning, people, addictions) we see to keep us afloat. Eventually, ‘the log’ is snatched away from us, we continue to flap until we find another ‘log.’ We choose to live this pitiful life over accepting uncomfortable truths, we choose being a victim over facing ourselves, delusions over vulnerability, veils over being bare.”

What we often term as ‘normal life’ or being ‘normal’ is this pitiful life. “What’s wrong with it?” you ask. Nothing. Strong opinions on right and wrong stem from belief systems, which is one of the things we grab onto when we think we are drowning. Stepping out of normality might often be far more painful, but you suffer less, you might experience everything far more intensely, but it doesn’t affect you to the core, most importantly you realize how much you lack, but are still more content, and despite the nagging discomfort you become more joyful.

I try to relax, to realize that I am not drowning, I resist the temptation to grab onto the logs of comfort I see. As I begin to relax, I delve into the story within me, the one I have been trying to decide my next step for. The nausea intensifies as I realize I don’t find an answer no matter how much I replay it trying to detach myself from it. Slowly, the realization dawns on me, sometimes you don’t find an answer, you just have to make a decision. The decision might bring the desired outcome, or might do damage. What we do have to be careful about is our choice is not grabbing onto a log, but a conscious decision which does not stem from conditioning, fear, beliefs, insecurities, or the ‘void’ we feel.

I chug down the last bit of my coffee which is now cold. Far more confused, but more at peace, I say a small prayer before getting up to leave. Stepping out I inhale deeply, for some reason everything looks prettier all of a sudden.

-Sartha